My whole reason for writing this blog is to try and understand why all of these old dreams are coming back into my thoughts. I suppose I don’t necessarily need any interpretations, but I wonder if anyone out there has these experiences? I’m calling them dreams, because I have no other category for them, but this one was not a dream in the way some dreams are.
It was 1990, and I had been going through some difficulty. I was divorced 3 years before, and had much guilt over my failed marriage and hauling my three little girls through the trauma of a family breaking. I had experienced it myself, and swore I would never put my children through the pain. I had managed to steel myself against the guilt and pain, stuffing it until there was no more space to stuff. In that three years, I had remarried, gone to college, and moved to a new town. I did not ask for Gods help, because I was sure He was horribly disappointed with me, and I was in agreement with that. No one told me any differently, and who could have? I stayed away from God, lost.
I began having some depression, and had two miscarriages that year. Then one day I started crying and I couldn’t stop.It was as if the three years I had stuffed my pain rose up in me all at once. I went to my doctor, and she told me I was having anxiety and depression. I had no idea what that was, I had been working as a dental assistant and a phlebotomist, but mental health was completely off my radar at that time.
Was she telling me I was crazy? But this was a real feeling! I couldn’t make it stop, and i knew I was not a crazy person. So there is a little background on where I was at the time. I was completely desperate, lost, and knew God had abandoned me for sure.
Then one morning after Brian had left for work I had this experience. I was in bed, laying on my back, and my arm was flopped over the side of the bed. It was aching from the angle it was hanging, and when I tried to pull it toward me I realized I was paralyzed, I couldn’t move. I could hear two people talking. It was not a language I knew, but I knew they were discussing me. I wanted to open my eyes so badly, and as I laid there I could hear them. They were talking about my future. One wondered if I could endure it, or was concerned about my ability to overcome what I would endure. The other one noticed that I was struggling to open my eyes, and seemed alarmed. He said “she’s becoming aware” in that strange language that I did not recognize yet I understood. Then they disappeared, and I sat up. I was totally wierded out. Maybe I told my sister about it, but since I was already afraid I was going crazy I didn’t want to tell anyone what had happened.
That was my first dream. Those two showed up again in my most current dream this past spring. More later:)